The Gifts
by KayEsse
Summary: A different version of Wrath of Khan. Spock has a second gift to give Jim. The universe decides to give them both another.
1. Chapter 1

Admiral Kirk listened attentively to his kind friend Leonard H. McCoy. He was making sense of course but how on Earth do I get back in the saddle again. Did I even want too. He was right as usual, always seeing things when I didn't. He was a man that would tell it as it is. No beating around the bush, that wasn't his way, and Jim Kirk appreciated that. Even though it hurt to listen to it.

"Jim get back your command, get it back before you turn in to part of this collection. Before you really do grow old."

"I hear you Bones. I'll think about it all right?" Jim looking a little sad staring more at this drink than his friend.

"Well, you do just that. Don't take forever to make up your mind though, your only young once you know."

"Don't I know it." said Jim getting up from his chair.

Jim downed the rest of his drink, and swore never to drink Romulan Ale again.

McCoy looked at him as he got up and asked the next question.

"So, hobgoblin didn't come to see you?"

Annoyed with the name calling Jim channeled his anger through his voice.

"Don't call him that." said Jim a little too loud.

"Sorry, old habits die hard. You guys were really tight for the longest time. I had thought he would have been here to wish you Happy Birthday."

"Spock is Spock Bones. He may just consider a birthday as being illogical. Don't judge ok. He is a good friend."

"I never said he wasn't." said McCoy joining Jim at the window as they both stared at the view.

"Then why are you always on his case?" Jim said his voice less harsh.

"Just that I know what he means to you, and birthday or no he would have been here."

"He has to get ready for Enterprise's inspection, he is just doing his duty."

"Perhaps, but when you mean a lot to someone as Spock does to you, you find a way to get around duty Jim." said McCoy looking at his friend his hand touching his shoulder in affection.

"I'll see him when I see him Bones, what difference does it make?"

"It makes a big difference to you. You are his best friend and vice versa. Don't you think it's about time you admit the truth Jim." said the good doctor waiting for another harsh word.

Jim looked at Bones as if he grew two heads.

"Am I supposed to understand what you are trying to get at." said Jim a little annoyed.

"It's simple if you would get your visor off and accept the truth."

"I am intrigued Bones, what are you trying to tell me. For someone that I really believed in not beating around the bush you going against your motto."

"All right if that is what it takes to get through to you. You James Kirk have feelings for Spock and you have denied it for years. When will you finally admit the truth, if not to yourself at least to me."

Jim listened and couldn't find a way to crush his friends statement. He was getting too old to fight.

"What am I but an old fool who has lost his youth. Has no clue where it has gone. Goes on day by day to fill that hole wondering if that day will ever come." said Jim pensive.

"Is that a poem Jim?"

"No, Bones just how I feel."

"Well, knowing you Jim as I do you usually don't leave things unresolved. Don't you ever wish things could be different?"

"Bones, I never told you this," said Jim staring at his friend instead of the view. "I tried, on are final days aboard the Enterprise I was with Spock in my quarters and when I asked him what was his future he said he was unsure. I told him if I ever get the chance to captain her again would you follow me. He said he'd follow me anywhere. That statement alone sent shivers down my spine and decided to take a chance. I touched his hand, very intimately and he pulled away. I guess he could sense what I was feeling when I touched him. After that he was distant, and then I was promoted to Admiral and he went to Gol to pursue Kohlinarr. He has never been the same since. I thought after the V'Ger incident things would have been different but he was so engrossed in his work he didn't have time for anything else. So I am where I am Bones, behind a desk job that I thought I'd swore I'd never return."

"I didn't know Jim. I just wished things would be more amicable between you to. You have such a history together."

"Don't I know it. I'd do anything for him Bones, I care for him so much, but friendship is all we have and I am happy with that."

"It's getting late Jim. Will you be all right? I have to go.' said McCoy gently.

"Of course I will. We Kirks are a tough lot."

"I don't doubt that for a minute. Goodnight Jim, and Happy Birthday." said McCoy.

They embraced in a crushing hug and McCoy left Jim with his thoughts.

Moments later the buzzer rang and Jim went to answer it.

"Coming. Is that you Bones, did you come back to steal my Romulan Ale?"

The doors open to reveal a handsome Vulcan in civilian clothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Jim stood at the door in shock. He had truly believed that the good doctor had returned for his illegal gift. Instead, a tall handsome friend stood there in his place. He looked so different out of uniform. Spock wore a light violet shirt and black pants. Jim stared a little too long. Suddenly, Spock broke the silence.

"Hello Admiral, I do hope I have not come at a bad time. Were you retiring for the evening?"

"What?" Jim replied in a daze.

"Admiral, is there something wrong with my attire?"

"Oh, damn it. What is wrong with me. Come in Spock, come in. Where are my manners? Something to drink?" Jim motioned Spock in his apartment letting him take in the new decor. Spock had never had the opportunity to visit him at his residence. Spock began to view the many items that Jim had collected over the years.

"Perhaps a brandy."

Surprised by the choice of drink Jim smiled and went to the liquor cabinet to find two glasses. He poured the contents in said glasses and handed one of them to his friend.

"Spock, if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here? Last time we spoke you were heading to your shuttle to meet up with the Enterprise. Change of plans?"

"Not of my own doing Admiral."

Jim motioned Spock with his other hand and spoke, his voice slightly full of humor.

"Spock, please no titles, we're friends right? Jim, please."

"Of course, Jim. I received a message before taking my shuttle, the Enterprise is delayed for technical problems. They have not given me a set date when the problems will be resolved. I estimate a week. With Mr. Scott's expertise in these manners perhaps less."

"I'm sure that is quite true. Mr. Scott is indeed a miracle worker. He saved our bacon enough times."

"Bacon?"

"A figure of speech."

"I see. In any case I am grateful to have the opportunity to see you again Jim. Our visit was brief during the simulation."

"Yes, it was. I was reading the book you gave me, before McCoy arrived. Too bad you missed him."

"It is unfortunate that I had not have the chance to experience the doctor's wit."

"I think he would have enjoyed that. You look well dressed for this evening. Plans?"

"I am not on duty. These are my civilian clothes."

"I see. They look good on you."

"I appreciate the compliment."

Spock walked around the apartment when he spotted the glasses.

"Oh, you noticed Bones odd gift. They're spectacles. Since I'm allergic to retinax he thought that this would solve my problem. I can't seem to focus like I use too. Must be getting old." Jim replied a little pessimistic.

"You look well for 50 Jim."

"Damn, last I can recall I was in my 30's. What the hell happened?"

"We must all age."

"I know. I just don't have to like it."

"I wish to speak to you about something."

"Oh, what about?"

"It's personal."

"Please do."

"I wish to give you another gift."


	3. Chapter 3

Jim stared long and hard at the man in front of him. Another gift. But, he already had given him one. Why give him another. Seeing Spock again, was a surprise in itself, and now, he wanted to give him something. What? What could he give him? Jim knew what he wanted. He wanted an explanation.

"You seem rather quiet, Jim." Spock spoke his words curious.

"I guess, I'm just trying to figure you out. Why do you want to give me another gift Spock?" Jim asked his curiosity peaking as well.

"I believe it is something you so desire." Spock said truthfully.

Jim smiled and looked at his friend closely.

"What do you think I desire Spock?" Jim features changed abruptly. He was no longer finding this game of twenty questions amusing. What was his friend up to?

"An explanation." Spock's two words became Jim's reality. He was going to get an answer, finally.

Jim motioned Spock to sit on the chair McCoy had sat in, but Spock declined. Jim could see the once, perfect posture, had become more relaxed, or was it unease.

"You look a little nervous Spock. Is there something wrong?" Jim had taken the seat that Spock rejected and looked up at his friend.

"Do you remember the quote from the book I gave you. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You asked if there was a message."

"Yes, I am reading it. You know that Spock. And for the message, you answered that as well. You didn't have one. You said and I quote: "None that I am conscious of."

"You do realize, that our lives, have gone through many things. Some that were good, and some less so." Spock's tone had a bit of sadness in it. He had to tell him soon, or he would never do it.

"I had a similar discussion with Doctor McCoy. Stop beating around the bush, Spock. Just tell me."

"Do you remember our last day on board the Enterprise?"

"You know perfectly well I do. What about it?" Jim's tone raised slightly.

"It was the night I refused your advances." Spock spoke softly, looking for a reaction to his confession.

Now, Jim knew why Spock was here. He was going to get that explanation. But, did he want to hear it?


	4. Chapter 4

Jim's apartment had a very cozy feel to it. The moment you would enter you felt welcomed. It had all the trappings of home. Jim liked to collect old artifacts from the past, and it was displayed for anyone visiting to ask questions.

That cozy feeling though, felt oddly cold. The only explanation that was plausible to Jim was that Spock was there with him. How peculiar that his apartment hadn't lost that warm feeling when Dr. McCoy had came by unannounced. Perhaps, it had to do with the fact that Bones wasn't going to let him know why he ditched him all those years ago.

It's amazing how you can remember something, like it was yesterday, even though it happened a lifetime ago. Jim remembered every detail of that evening in his quarters. There are times, where you wished your memory wasn't so vivid.

Now, before him, the answer he always wanted, Spock was about to divulge the truth.

The thought of reliving that betrayal of friendship, and it was a betrayal. Throwing away what they had, and running away. Jim had always believed that Vulcans were a very logical race. What Spock did to him, left him without an explanation, was unimaginable.

"You are quiet Jim. Do you wish for me to repeat what I..." Spock replied but was cut off.

"That won't be necessary. I've decided that you had your reasons. Let's just leave it at that." Jim replied back, his words surprising the Vulcan.

"I see. Perhaps, this was a mistake coming here." Spock decided to turn around and leave Jim's apartment when Jim got up and quickly ran after him, grabbing him forcefully by the arm.

"What do you want from me Spock? How can I trust anything you have to tell me. You left me for 3 years, alone, not knowing what you were doing on Gol."

"2.8 years to be precise."

"Are you being funny?"

"No, I was not. Forgive me, I wish only to explain."

"How could you have left and not say goodbye. I thought we were friends. If not more than that, at least friends, even brothers."

"Please, Jim. Hear me out." Spock's voice was desperate, which made Jim's heart ache hearing that voice.

Jim slowly released the arm, and tried to relax.

"I'll listen Spock. It's more than what you gave me."

That apartment became ice cold.


	5. Chapter 5

Tension. You could feel it in that apartment, and that cold dread of fear, of what was to come. The past was the past, why should James Kirk know the truth, about something that had happened so long ago? Because he needed closure. He needed to know why Spock left him, he needed to know why he went to Gol.

This business of purging that emotional half, sounded ludicrous to Jim. He had once told him that he could balance his two sides. Surely, he knew that removing what made who he was would make Spock a different person. A stranger in fact. Was I the catalyst? Did I drive him to Gol?

"I understand Jim, that you have questions." Spock replied sensing Jim's anxiety.

"You bet I do." Jim let go of Spock's arm, and asked him again to sit on the couch that was once offered. He complied.

They sat together, facing one another.

"I needed time away from everyone around me. Even you. My time on the Enterprise had been my home, but I felt trapped."

"Did I drive you away Spock? Just because I was feeling something special between us. Is that it?" Jim asked softly, wanting to touch Spock, but he held back.

"Partly. Jim, the reason why I had to leave was I...I felt lost. I didn't recognize myself anymore. Who was I?"

"I know. You were my friend. We could have been much more, if you have given us a chance." Jim replied sadly.

"How could you know that? Love is an emotion that changes over time. One perceives an individual as one sees fit, and later, when things become habitual, they lose interest and move on."

"That wouldn't have happened between us."

"You cannot know this Jim."

Spock stood up, and turned away.

"Why couldn't you let me love you?" Jim implored.

"Because, how can you love me, when I don't feel it for myself."


	6. Chapter 6

You could hear a pin drop. James Kirk didn't know what to say. Of all the things his friend could give as an explanation, as to why he couldn't love him, this was not the answer he expected. He truly believed he knew Spock, but he was mistaken.

This revelation, was something he deeply kept hidden and it shamed Spock to divulge the real reason he left for Gol.

The silence in the Jim's apartment went on far too long, and Spock broke Jim's reverie and spoke.

"I did not wish for you to know this. I thought I was prepared. I was not." Spock spoke softly, his voice barely a whisper, his eyes tired with fatigue.

Jim found his voice finally, and responded back softly to his friend, matching the same tone.

"I didn't know." Jim replied, not knowing what else to say.

They both felt a loss for words and couldn't even meet each other's gaze, in fact avoiding it all together.

"How could you?" Spock regained his speech and replied to Jim's statement.

Jim approached his friend slowly, and rested a hand on Spock's shoulder, making the Vulcan have no choice but to acknowledge him.

"Don't you know how important you are to me."

It wasn't a question, but a fact. Jim still couldn't fathom why Spock could not feel an once of love, or more specifically, acceptance of himself. Of course, we all have things we don't like about ourselves, that we wish we could change. But, the majority of people, who have some pride in themselves, simply are fine with who they are.

"Why am I important to you? Why do you care so much?" Spock asked curiously.

"I just do. It's difficult to explain. Actually, when you're in love with someone, you can't explain it. It's how it is." Jim replied, his hand sliding down slowly Spock's arm, touching his bent elbow.

Spock turned away, not wanting to face him once again.

Jim sighed.

"Please, don't turn away from me, Spock. We can work on your self-esteem together."

Spock's back was still facing Jim.

"You will never know what it is like to be a Vulcan."

"But, I want to know. I want to know everything about you. How can I make you understand?"

"You simply do not understand."

Jim turned Spock toward him.

"Make me understand. Let me help."


	7. Chapter 7

Spock had no choice but look in those hazel eyes. Jim wanted to help him. But, did Spock want that help? Or did he wish to remain in his present state. Was it pity? Did he feel it for himself? Did Jim feel pity for him? Didn't Miranda once said, pity was the worst of all. She was right.

"What are thinking about, Spock? It seems like, I've lost you? Don't give up on yourself?" Jim pleaded with his friend. He slowly loosened his grip and waited for an answer.

Spock sighed. He was honestly afraid. He stood up straighter and tried to find his words.

"I truly believed I could find solace, peace of mind when I went to Gol. Shed all emotion. I would no longer feel anything. At first, it was difficult, later it became much easier. They saw the progress in me. The day came when I had to say goodbye to everyone I knew. I was ready to accept that. The moment I was to achieve Kolinahr, I heard a voice, someone calling me."

Jim stared at Spock, listening to his every word.

"The Vulcan Master demanded I join my mind to hers. She said my human blood was touched by that voice. That I had to find my answers elsewhere." Spock said as he recalled her words.

"What voice did you hear? Was it me?" Jim asked curiously.

"I believe it was a combination of your thoughts, and the power of what V'ger was. V'ger fascinated me. No. It wasn't fascination. It was an obsession. I needed to know what V'ger was. My only choice then, was to confront it."

"But, you did confront it. You almost died from the experience. What did you gain from it?" Jim demanded.

"That a simple feeling can be felt so deeply that it surpasses rational thought. I do not wish to be overwhelmed by it."

"Why the hell not?" Jim asked.

"I'm afraid of where it may lead."

"Spock, there comes a time in life where you have take a chance on love. It may never come again."

"Why do you care so much, Jim?"

"Because I do. I see your both sides Spock, the human part of you and your Vulcan side. You wouldn't be you if that human side of you didn't exist."

"That human side of me, is kept hidden. I do not wish to set it free."

"But, I see it Spock. You've already lost. It's so subtle but it's there. Those half smiles you gave me so long ago. The times where you cared for my well being when I was in danger. Remember the horta? That was the human part of you that came through. How can you not accept yourself? Your mother is human. She loves you, and I know you love her. You told me that you always wanted to tell her that you cared."

"Please, do not bring up PSI 2000. I almost destroyed the ship with those wonderful emotions you talk about."

Jim grabbed Spock by the shoulders and shook him.

"In case your forgotten, you saved the ship dammit."

"Only because you managed to free me of those emotions so I could do just that. Violent emotions. You struck me, more than once."

"It had to be done. Look Spock, we are getting off track. Emotions, are a part of being human. I live with them every day. So must you."

"I should have died when I melded with V'ger. Why didn't I die, Jim?" Spock asked his friend.

"Is that what you want? You want to end it all? Not to feel a damn thing? I won't let you."

"I should leave." Spock said as he turned toward the door. "Leaving me again? It seems you're very good at that. I swear to you Spock, if you leave this apartment, I..."

"Help me, Jim. Please... I don't... I don't know what to do..." Spock wept as he fell to his knees. Jim was there to catch him.


End file.
